♦♦♦

Two old ladies somehow got separated in a museum.

Later they came across each other near the reception desk. “Oh my! Did you see that statue of a naked man at the back, out there?“

The second old lady replied, “Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How could they display such a thing here! My God its penis was so large!”

Where upon the other lady accidentally exclaimed, “…Yeah… and cold, too!”

♦♦♦

A priest is walking through the town at his new parish when a hooker approaches him.

“Hi…Man a Blowjobs for $20 if you’re interested, come on, follow me”.

Confused by this he smiles, looks her from head to toe, blesses her and goes on back to the church.

He sees one of the nuns, calls her and asks her, “Sister, what’s a blowjob?”

She replies, “$20. Same as in the town”.

♦♦♦

Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. “I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.” The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

“Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?”

“Yes. Speaking.”

AEC guy: “You’re a month overdue, you know!”

“How do you know?” stammers the young woman.

“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy.

“What are you saying? It’s in your files. How?”

“Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”

“GOD! This is too much.”

“Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.”

“I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.”

That night, she tells her husband about the call. He is mad as a bull and rushes down to AEC office the next morning.

“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.

“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”

“Pay you? And if I refuse?”

“Well, in that case, Sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”

“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.

“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.

♦♦♦

Donna and Kimberly two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Donna pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Kimberly: What’s that?

Donna: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Kimberly: Where did you get it?

Donna: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, lady hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she needs condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is after all over 80 years old) but very carefully asks what brand she prefers.

That doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

♦♦♦

A woman and baby are in the doctor’s surgery, the doctor is concerned about the baby’s weight. Is he bottle fed or breast fed?

The woman replies, “Breast fed.”

The doctor gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts.

He pinches her nipples, rubs both her breasts for a while… and then sucks.

“Here lies the problem. No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk.”

Woman replies, “I know, I’m his granny … but I’m glad I came !”

♦♦♦

Steve is showing off his new sports car to the girlfriend. Suzie is thrilled at the speed of 150 mph. She opens two cans of beer offers one to Steve and takes off all her clothes right down to the bra and panties. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skids onto some gravel and flips over. Suzie is thrown in clear, but Steve gets jammed beneath the steering wheel.

“Go and get help!” he cries.

“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”

“Take my shoes”, he said, “and cover yourself.”

Holding the shoes over her thing, Suzie runs down the road and finds a service station.

Still holding the shoes between her legs, she pleads to the service station attendant, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!”

The attendant looks at the shoes and says, “There’s nothing I can see…is he too far in?”

♦♦♦

A young husband and wife were sunning nude on a beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman’s vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash for the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn’t rise to the occasion. “if neither of you object,” the medic said, “I could give it a try.“ Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor’s thrust continued for several long minutes. “Hey, Doctor… What the hell is happening?”

“Change of plans,” The physician panted. “I’m going to drown the little bastard!.“

♦♦♦

Stefani arrives home from work; Stiffen notices a diamond necklace on her neck.

He asks, “Where did she get the necklace?”

“Well I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready, while I start dinner for us.“

The next day, Stefani arrives home wearing a diamond bracelet.

Her husband asks, “Where did she get the bracelet?”

“Well I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready, while I start dinner for us.“

A week later, Stiffen notices that his wife came home from work wearing an expensive mink coat.

He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?”

“Yeah I did! Great God, how did you guess that? Go get my bath ready, while I start dinner for us.”

Later after dinner, she goes to the bath and notices only an inch of water in the tub.

She yells at Stiffen, “HEY! Stiffen where are you? There’s only an inch of water in the tub. Why?”

He replies, “I didn’t want your raffle ticket to get wet.”

♦♦♦

Jim walks into his office on a chilly Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and finds one from his neighbor, George. It reads, “Do you have any naked photos of your wife?”

Outraged Jim writes back… Fuck you, you son of a bitch, how dare you ask a thing like that for.

Later he receives another e-mail from his neighbor George.

Jim was expecting an apology but when he opens the e-mail.

It reads, “Because I want to buy some?”

♦♦♦

A soldier was given a three day leave to attend to his newly wedded wife. But on getting home he realized that his wife was in her menstrual period.

So, he decided to send a telegram to his head quarters to extend his leave but with his mother-in-law and other visitors around, he decided to code his message in the military way: Omega One, this is Omega Twelve: Danger signal from the field. Red alert in front. Extend leave. Do you read me?

The soldier gets orders by the urgent, return telegram: Omega Twelve this is Omega One: CO reads you loud and clear. Attack from behind. Resume duty immediately. No leave extention possible.

I repeat attack from behind resume duty immediately.

Over and Out…!