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There was this guy at a bar just looking at his drink, he stays like that for half an hour.

Then a big trouble-making, Truck Driver steps next to him. Takes the drink from this guy and just gulps it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I will buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.

No it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, go late to my office, there my boss outrageous fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said, that they could do nothing now. I get a cab to return and when I leave it, I find that I left my wallet and credit cards there on the seat. The cab driver just drove away. I go home and when I get there I find my wife in bed with the gardener… I leave home and come to this bar and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life you show up and drink my… poison.

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A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off his ball, it  deviates off to the right, breaking the window pane of a house. The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window. Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but no one answers. He opens the door, inside, next to the window he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor.

Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to apologize for breaking his window and the vase.

The man inside the house says, “No, don’t apologize, I am a genie and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years. You have rescued me, I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife another and I would like to keep one for myself.”

He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and said, “I wish for a million dollars.” The genie waves his hand and said, “A million dollars, it’s yours, it has been deposited into your bank account.” He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, “I wish for a condominium in Hawaii.”

The genie waves his hand and says, “A condominium in Hawaii, it’s yours.” The genie continues, “Now it is my turn.” He thinks for a while and says, “You know it’s been 10,000 years since I have had a woman, could I make love to your wife?”

The man thinks for a while and says, “Honey, he gave us a million Dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is make love to him.”

She agrees and they both go to the bedroom upstairs. After making passionate love, the woman says, “I can’t believe that my husband let you do this to me.”

The genie says, “And I can’t believe that your husband still believes in genies.”

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A blonde a brunette and a redhead all work at the same office for a female Boss who always goes home early.

Hey girls says the brunette: Let’s go home early tomorrow, Boss will never know. The next day they all leave right after the Boss does.

The brunette gets some extra gardening done. The redhead goes to a bar and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female Boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns back at her normal time.

That was fun says the brunette, next day. We should do it again sometime. No way, says the blonde. I almost got caught yesterday.

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The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, [which means: Good shot] The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.

The second guest, from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French too so he says: “Tir fantastique”.

The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, that he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman was slightly confused  he replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole… sir?”

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Jack and Jill were about to enter his apartment but before he could open the door, Jill said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”

Jack says, “Well, give me some examples.”

Jill proceeds to tell him, “Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn’t for me.”

“The second way is if a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn’t for me either.”

Then Jill said, “Honey, how do you unlock your door?”

Jack broods and proceeds to say, “Well, first, before I do anything else, I just lick the lock.”

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Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.

“Johnny, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” his mother reminded him.

“I don’t have to.”  the little boy replied.

“Of course you do.”  his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

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A guy was stuck in a traffic jam looking out of his window, he saw a kid on skateboard coming towards him. Hey son…! what’s the holdup? the driver asked. It’s Rudolf Straeuli…replied the kid. He is lying in the middle of the road and he is doused himself with petrol, he is threatening to set fire to himself.

I am taking a collection for him would you like to donate. How much have you collected so far the driver inquired. Oh…said the kid, about 30 match boxes and 23  lighters.

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John and Peter are two farmers, discussing politics. John said: I believe in a ‘share and share alike’ policy. One where we are all equal in America. I am not sure about that said Peter. You mean that if you had two horses you would give me one? Of course, says John and if you had two cars you give me one. Absolutely right.

John you have two pigs, says Peter, therefore you got to give me one. Now is that absolutely right?

Oh…No no no… this was a nice try. You already know that I have got two pigs. But they are husband and wife. How can I separate one from another.

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A free state farmer supplemented his income by providing camping facilities at his dam site. One late evening he came upon a group of bikini-dripping-women, who had, somehow slipped onto his farm without paying.

The woman shrieked and moved to deeper waters when they saw the farmer coming. We are not coming out, until you leave here, they shouted.

I am not here to disturb you, my dear ladies…said the farmer. I have come to feed the crocodiles…

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A timid little man walked into the Hell’s Angels Clubhouse in Yeoville, cleared his throat and asked which of you gentleman owns the Doberman tied to the gate post?

A giant of a man in full regalia, his body hair growing out through the seams turned slowly on his stool, looking down at the quivering little man and said: It’s my dog. What is it to you? Well squealed the little man, my dog just killed it. Waakk roared the biker in disbelief, what in the hell is kind of dog, do you have?

A Maltese poodle, replies the little man.

Don’t fuck with me shouted the biker. How could your silly poodle kill my Doberman.

I am very sorry, Sir… trembled the little man, it appears that Fluffy got stuck into its throat.