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After dinner and a movie, Brian drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, “A girl’s best friends are her own two legs.”

On their next date, Brian returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary’s skirt. Once again she pulled away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, “I repeat, a girl’s best friends are her own two legs.”

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn’t get home until very late. That night she wrote, “Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part.”

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Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. “Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?“ The father explains,“We can’t have services for an animal in the church but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him.”

“Thanks,” says Muldoon. “Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

The father replies, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?”

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A man is on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, “I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most…your boss. Right…?”

So the man agrees and makes his first wish: “I want lots of money.” Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, “You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully.”

The man says, “Well, I have always wanted to donate a kidney.”

♦♦♦

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she wasn’t sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked: Do you enjoy it or does it hurt you? She said she had other apprehensions’. The Doctor then told her: Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.

The woman was mystified, she asked: You can get pregnant from anal sex? The Doctor replied: Of course… Where do you think lawyers come from?

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This beautiful girl went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn’t find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: “There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle? “She said, “Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie-Style, could that be causing it?” The Doctor said, “Maybe, why don’t you stop it and see if you improve?” She said, “I can’t stop, that’s the only way my dog knows to fuck”.

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A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park, at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical “genie” arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and a woman in the bushes behind them, to get things done. The “genie” grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter could be heard from their activities. And 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush, claiming that they are finished. Well now, that was kind of quick the “genie” says: You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want, the “genie” tells them winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman: Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon, so I can shit on him.

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A lady sitting in the dentist chair told the dentist: I would rather go through the pain of childbirth then have you drill in my mouth.

The dentist replied: Well you had better make up your mind fast, so that I can adjust your chair accordingly.

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A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman since a few years.

At a hotel, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or marriage he paid her a huge sum of money, that if she would go to Italy to have the child.

If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard and write: Spaghetti on the back. He would then arrange for the child support. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.

Honey she said: you received a very strange post card today and handed the card over to her husband. The card read: Spaghetti – Spaghetti – Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without…!

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A lady came home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband enquired her well-being?

Wife told him, the doctor had said that for a 45 year old woman, she had firm breasts as that of a 18 year girl.

Oh yeah? Quipped her husband: What did he said about the 45 year old ass? She told his name never came up in their conversation.