Hi…! we want to have some fun:

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Father I have a problem said, beautiful Alice to the local priest. I own two female parrots, all they will say is, we…want to have some fun. That’s terrible… explained the priest but I think I have got a solution. Oh thanks… that’s fantastic Father, I would be most grateful.

Bring your parrots to my house and I will put them with my pair of male parrots, instructed the cleric. I have taught them to pray and read: The Bible. So I am sure they will have your birds on the path to righteousness in no time.

The next day the parishioner brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. The clergyman took the birds and placed them in the cage with the two male parrots who were holding rosary beads and praying.

The female duo immediately jumped on a rung and squawker: Hi…! we are prostitutes… and we want to have some fun.

One male parrot with a glint in his eyes looked over to his companion and said: OK… put the beads away brother… Our prayers have been answered.

The fruits of love:

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A newly wed couple was spending their honeymoon at a remote gateway in Drakensberg. The first time the owner of the resort saw them was five days after they checked in. How’s everything ask the owner? Thanks… wonderful ! replied the groom.

I can’t help noticing that you have not taken any meals since your arrival. Aren’t you famished? Oh not at all, said the bride, we are living on the fruits of love. I thought so nodded the owner but would you please stop throwing the peels out of the windows… they are choking my ducks.

A penny for your thoughts:

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Altar had gone hunting, by mistake he did agree to let his wife Anna and her mother accompany him. On the first night, he was sitting by the fire sipping whisky, when Anna ran up-to him in panic. Oh…Altar come help mama, she has disappeared. Altar picked up his rifle took a sip of whisky and ran into the bushes with Anna just behind him. Not far from the camp in a clearing they came across the old woman who was in face to face with a large lion. Oh… Altar… what are you going to do? screamed Anna.

Oh… nothing replied Altar. The Lion has got himself into this mess; let him get himself out of it too.

Just for the laughs:

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Little Johnny lost his father on a crowded street. He goes up the street looks into the bar then comes back down the street. He goes to the police car and announces: Sir I have lost my dad somewhere in the crowd. The policeman asked him, OK… so what is he like?

Little Johnny says: Sir… Rum… Beer and Women.

Hit the nail on the head:

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A newborn baby was so advanced he could talk. The baby looked around the delivery room and asked the man in a white coat, are you my doctor? Yes I am, replied the doctor. Thank you for taking such good care of me during my birth. Turning to the woman, baby asked, are you my mother? Yes my darling, I am. Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born.

Then turning to look at the other man in the room he asked, are you my father? yes I am replied the proud man. The baby motioned him to come closer then poked him seven times on his forehead with his finger. I want you to know that, that it hurts.

Your guess is as good as mine:

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The teacher asked her class who could use the word beautiful twice in the same sentence….Come on let’s get started…who is the first one…?

Susan: My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully. OK…A nice try but not quite, smiled the teacher. So let’s have one more example please.

Mary: My father bought, my mother a beautiful red dress and she looked beautiful in it. Very good praised the teacher. Anyone else?

Me….! Me….! Miss…. shouted Little Johnny waving his hand: At the dinner table last night my sister told our father that she was pregnant with her first child.

Teacher: But where is the word ‘beautiful’ in these lines.

Yes….Yes here it is: My dad got exited, he said: Too beautiful, that’s a fucking beautiful news.

Fuck like a Black:

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One day, while relieving himself in the employee restroom, Carl could not help but notice the unusually long penis on the black-man in the adjoining urinal. How do you guys do that? Asked Carl. I mean, get such long penis? Well, replied the black-man: When having sex, just push it in slow and pull it out quick. That exercises it. After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife.

That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked: Well dear, did you notice anything different about me? Yeah…she said: You fuck like a black man!

A SHORT GAG:

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Noreen Afridi Khan was young and beautiful but pregnant at the time she was jailed for 30 years in the USA for trans-border smuggling and terrorist activities. Today…Abdullah…her son a Muslim is adult out of jail, who arrives at a hospital for a circumcision.

A week later …the Abdullah is operated upon. As he comes off after the procedure, he is perturbed to see several doctors, nurses, interns and the support staff standing around his bed. Son… there’s been a bit of a mix-up…admits the surgeon. I am afraid; we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis. What!’ gasps the patient? ‘You mean I’ll never experience another erection? Oh, you might,’ the surgeon reassures him. ‘Just not yours.’

The Perfect Penis.

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Paddy meets the doctor regarding his 25 inches long penis. His main worry is that he can’t get any women to have sex with him. The doctor said he could do nothing medically but recommend him to a witch medic that he thinks might be able to help. The witch medic takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a leprechaun that lives there. Ask the leprechaun to marry you. Each time the leprechaun says no, your penis will be shorter by 5 inches. Worth a try, Paddy dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the leprechaun on the other side, sitting on a log. “Leprechaun, will you marry me?” The leprechaun looks at him, disinterested at best and calls back, “No.” Paddy looks down and sure enough, his penis is 5 inches shorter. “Will you marry me?” The leprechaun rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, “No!” Zappo! Paddy’s down to 15 inches. Well, that’s still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 inches would be perfect. So he calls across again: Hi…you Leprechaun, will you marry me?“ The irritated leprechaun yells back, “Look…you son of a bitch…how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, No !”

Is that you Janet?

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First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, “You’re lucky that you don’t have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.” Janet responded. “Just because I am considered ugly, doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.” Hillary asks, “Well how do you deal with the problem?“

Janet: “Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can.” And believe me, that takes the wind out of his sails, so to speak! Hillary was impressed and thank the General for her sage advice and hurried home. Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir and knew that he would want some action. She had been saving her farts all day and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, “Is that you Janet?.”