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A lady walks into a fancy jewelry store.  She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.  As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her ‘little accident’ and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, “Good-day, Madam How may we help you today?”

She takes a few seconds, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her fart, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit when I tell you the price.”

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Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride were a virgin. The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a “do it yourself shop”. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doctor?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls she ever saw.’ you hit her with the shovel.”

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The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.

‘Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?’

‘I’m in love,’ replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, ‘With whom?’

‘With you!’ he said.

‘But Little Johnny,’ said the teacher gently, ‘don’t you see how silly that is? Sure I’d like a husband of my own someday… but I don’t want a child.’

‘Oh, don’t worry,’ said Little Johnny reassuringly, ‘I’ll use a condom!’

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A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, ‘You must be a dentist.’

The guy, surprised, says ‘Yes….how did you figure that out?’

‘Easy,’ she replied, ‘you keep washing your hands.’

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, ‘You must be a really good dentist.’ The guy, now with a boosted ego says, ‘Well yes, I’m a good dentist.

But…How did you figure that out?

‘I…Didn’t feel a thing !’

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Marie’s funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating, “At last they’re together. At last they’re together.” Thanks God.

Another mourner whispers, “Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What’s with this nonsense…at last they’re together!”The first mourner responds, “I’m talking about her ‘legs’…! At last they’re together!”

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A professor in mathematics sends a fax to his wife that read:

Dear Suzan…!

You are 54…I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this fax, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home after midnight.

Luv Garrard…

As the professor reaches hotel, he receives a fax at the front desk that read:

Dear Garrard…!

Yes… you are 54 and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Broadway Hotel with Mr.18-year-old pool boy. Being a brilliant mathematician that you are, you could easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 three times than 54 goes into 18. I hope it rises to the occasion. Don’t wait up.

Take Care Suzan…

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Josef came to this big house in the neighborhood. Suddenly he realized a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he notices another couple behind the tree. And then an another couple behind some bushes.

He walked up to the door of the house…knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door. Yes… and the man asks what is this place?

This is a brothel.

Well, then what’s all this out on the lawn?

Oh…Sir, we are having a yard sale today.

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Harry walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

Harry said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

 At that, the jeweler got another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at  $40,000”, the jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

Seeing this Harry said, “ Yes We’ll take it.”

Harry wrote the check and said “I know you need to make sure my check is good, so call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and then I’ll pickup the ring by Monday afternoon.”

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler called Harry. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know – I know”  said the Harry, “but can you imagine the weekend I really had?”

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno xxx film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I am only here to listen to the music.”

“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog, Bruno”

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A man was invited for dinner at a friend’s house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her “My Love”, “Darling”, “Sweetheart”, etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, “That’s really nice after all of these years you have been married to keep saying those little pet names.” The host said, “Well, honestly, sometimes I forget her name….” Well Old age problems…you know…!