The All Blacks were playing England and at the half-time whistle, they found themselves ahead 50-0. Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.
“No worries,” Jonah told them, “I’ll join you later in the bar and tell you what happened.” After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3.
“What !!!!” said a furious Josh Kronfeld, “How did you let England get three points?” Jonah replied apologetically, “I was sent off the field with 10 minutes yet to go.”
A Sheikh is riding through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a big bowl of fruit and plenty of water. He, journeys for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can’t stand it anymore. So he decides to try having the donkey.
He drops his pants and positions himself behind the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away ahead. Slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to the donkey again, positions himself behind the donkey and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again.
Now this man is getting frustrated. As he prepares for his third struggle, he sees a beautiful, naked woman coming towards him.
She smiles at him and says, “I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have.”
“Anything?” the Sheikh says, getting fairly excited.
Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland so to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders.
The chief walks to the men and says,” What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?” The first man thinks for a second and replies, “I choose Boogaloo”.
The chief smiles and the tribe begin to chant “boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo”. The chief takes the man, bends him over and fucks him up the arse.
The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed, then the chief walks up to him and asks, “You must choose between Death and Boogaloo”?
The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies, “I choose death”.
The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells come on one by one… “Death by Boogaloo!”
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.“
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!” he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!” Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” The man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
An old couple hire a cab in New Jersey. The taxi driver says “So which part of England are you folks from?” The old man replies “from Yorkshire” The old lady says “What did he say?” The old man says “He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire”
The taxi driver says “I’ve been to Yorkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a right bitch, it put me off going to England forever.” The old lady says “What did he say?” The old man says “I think the driver knows you!
Betty and her boyfriend, Ben are going through their daily routine in the bathroom when someone knocks at the door. Betty covers herself with a towel then reaches for the door. “Hey…! I am John, do me a favor, drop that towel and take this $1000 now.”
Betty drops her towel and jiggles her breasts for the man at the door.
“Thanks, a ton, I’ll catch you later” says John and hands her $1000. The amused blonde is back inside with her boyfriend who has just got out of the shower.
“Hey Betty, says Ben, make it fast, just thought I’d let you know, John will be here any time soon to repay $1000 he owes me…!”
A Nun and a Preacher are riding camels in the desert, when suddenly, both camels die. The Preacher turns to the nun and says: “Since it is evident that we have to die now, I have one small request, I haven’t seen a naked female… show me your body”
“Certainly”, said the nun, “But I want to see you naked as well. ”As they stood there in the hot desert, buck naked, the nun pointed to his penis and asked the preacher, “What’s that bone like thing sticking out… What does that do?”
The preacher knew not what to say, so he told her, “well…it…uhh…gives life.”
“Well, what are you waiting for then?” screams the nun, “Put that in the camel so we can get the hell outta here!”
A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that; I must ask each of you a question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time…. that I…. kind of…. sort of…. touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”
St. Peter: “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may go in.” and so she did.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time. .. that I held one for a moment…. in my left hand”
“Alright Sister, now just wash your left hand in the Holy Water, and you may go in.” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush! So why so hurry?”
Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
A family of mice was surprised to see a big cat. The family head jumped and said: Bhow-woww … Bhow-woww twice. The cat ran away. What was that father asked baby mouse? Well son that’s why it is important to learn a second language.
One night a man and woman are at a bar knocking back a few beers. Later in conversation it comes out that they both are doctors. After about an hour, they decide to go to the woman doctor’s house. There she goes to the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room, for a good ten minutes. Finally she comes in the bedroom where the man waits and they have sex. Afterwards, the man says to the woman: you are a surgeon, aren’t you? Yeah, how did you know? I could tell by the way you scrubbed-up before we started. Oh! That makes sense: says the woman. So you are an anesthesiologist aren’t you? Yeah, says the man a bit surprised. But how come did you know that? The woman answers: because… I didn’t feel a thing.
