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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, he called his grandson to his bed-side: Grandson I wanta you to lisina to me. I wanta you to taka miya .45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember miya.

But grandpa thanks a lot; I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

Oye, you lisina to me, sma-day you gonna  runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, Lutsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino. Sma-day you gonna come home and finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, “TIMES UP”?

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A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn’t allow such abuse to go unanswered. Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you… Madam. He has told me, this himself. The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.

And furthermore, the angry maid continued: I am better in bed than you! And I suppose my husband told you that, too? No, Madam, said the maid. Not your husband… the mail man!

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The morning after an all-night honeymoon expert virtuoso performance in bed, the somewhat amazed but blissfully happy newlywed wife snuggles up to her new hubby and says:Darling, you are just wonderful. Last night was simply amazing. May I ask how many others were there before me? After a few moments of silence, the wife becomes a little testy and says: Come on – Come on. I know there must have been some – I am waiting. And “Captain Experience” takes a deep breath and says: Hang on, wait a minute sweetheart, I am still counting.

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A woman goes to buy a pet-parrot. The prices are: $200, $100 and $15.

She asks: Why the last one is priced so low.

Oh…madam that’s because it lived in a brothel, says the store-keeper. OK…OK… that’s all right with me she says, pays $15 and buys the beautiful pet-parrot.

When she gets home the parrot says: Fuck me. Qweet – Qweet. This is a new brothel here…! The woman enjoys this and laughs it off.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: Fuck me. Qweet – Qweet. Two new prostitutes have arrived…! The girls’ giggle and run to their room, but a little embarrassed.

Later in the night, when the man gets home the parrot says: Fuck me. Qweet – Qweet. Peter, where were you? I haven’t seen you for the past one week now!

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A husband and wife were golfing… when suddenly the wife asked: Honey if I died would you get married again? No-no-no…the husband said…! No sweetie never again.
The woman said: I am sure you would. And the man in desertion said: OK…I would if that’s what you really want.
Then the woman asked: would you let her sleep in our bed?
And the man replied: yes I guess so… Then the woman asked: would you let her use my golf clubs?
To that the husband replied: No… darling she is a left-hander.

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What letter of the alphabet is an insect?

B (bee)

What letter is a part of the head?

I (eye)

What letter is a drink?

T (tea)

What letter is a body of water?

C (sea)

What letter is a vegetable?

P (pea)

What letter is a gesture of seeking attention?

A (aee)

What letter explains standing in line?

Q (queue)

What letter is a someone?

U (you)

What letter is asking questions?

Y (why)

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Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve’s buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve there. He was already sitting at the campground with a chilled beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand and a camp fire glowing.

“How did you talk your wife into letting you go Steve?”

“I didn’t have to,” Steve replied.

“Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a Rum to drown my sorrows because I couldn’t go fishing. Then she slipped up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through bathrobe, she said, ‘Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want.

“So…. Here I am!”

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Three kids, Johnnie, Henry and Matt were playing in the street in Sydney when they were hit by a train. They all go to heaven. God says to them, “You weren’t supposed to die; you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I’ll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that rainbow over there and as you’re flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be.”
Johnnie Cochran takes a running leap and shouts “Lawyer” and so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, in USA representing O.J. Simpson as well as Rosa Parks and the likes of Michael Jackson, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Bench.
Henry Thomas Marsh takes his turn and shouts “Neuro Surgeon” and so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine a leading English neurosurgeon and a pioneer of neurosurgical advances in Ukraine, making a ton of money saving lives.
Matt Rogers goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles of the rainbow muttering “stupid clumsy arse-hole.” 20 years later, he’s playing the fullback for the Wallabies, spent nearly a 3rd of his Union career injured.

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Little Jimmy walks in on his parents having sex. “What are you doing to my mother?” the boy yells at the top of his voice at his father and runs out of the room. Soon, the parents hear screams coming from the grandma’s room, downstairs. They see Little Jimmy pumping into his grandmother.

“What the hell are you doing to her?” the father shouts. “It’s not so easy when it’s your mother… Is it?” says Jimmy.

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Gleason takes his wife to an Agriculture show as they pass a bulls pen, she spots a sign: This bull mated 50 times last year. Not good enough, she said…

At the next pen is a sign: This bull mated 109 times last year. That is over 9 times a month snorted the wife, not that bad  Then they proceeded to the next pen on which there is also a sign: This bull mated 365 times last year.

Wow wonderful, that is really an excellent show. What a smart bastard. That bull mated 365 times last year that comes to once a day, she said her jaw dropping that’s once a day. Gleason darling, you could really learn from this one.

I doubt it, replied Gleason. Go, ask the staff, if it was 365 times with the same cow…