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Little Johnny attended a horse auction show with his father. He watched his father move from one horse to another, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump and chest.

Father replied because when I am buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape… OK…? now you understand that?

After a few minutes, Johnny asked: Dad why are you doing that?

Johnny looking worried said: Owh ho…! Dad, I think that ‘computer guy’ wants to buy mom…

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The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their hotel in the hills.The driver wasn’t too sure how to get there, so he told the couple, he could ask for directions, if required, when they got closer to the destination.

Meanwhile the lovers couldn’t wait, to get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat. During the couples moment of passion the cab driver noticed a fork in the road ahead and said: I take the next turn, right?

Go to hell, yelled the groom. She is all and only mine.

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Two guys are standing in queue to enter heaven.

One turned around and asked the other, how did he die?

I froze to death.

And how about you?

I had a heart attack.

Oh, that’s sad and how did that happen?

Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me, so one day in-between work hours, I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots, possible.

Then, when I was running back up the stairs again, I had this heart attack.

That’s ironic…!

Why?

If, you had looked in the fridge we would both be alive today.

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In spite of the feeling, apparently among a minority of womanhood who wear pantyhose, that pantyhose are self-contained garments which include “panty” as part of “hose”.

An Internet search reveals just the opposite of what people have reported. In other words, most ladies do wear panties with pantyhose – either under them or on top of them.

“Do you wear your pantyhose with panties under them or without?

“This question came up on a visit to my mother-in-law. She and I were talking about how different things are now than when each of us were young. My mother-in-law is seventy-nine, so obviously a lot more has transpired for her than I, but one memory we each share is the advent of pantyhose.

“Just to give you a report – we didn’t dare ask anyone at Church that Sunday, but my sisters-in-law and I continued the poll for some weeks. It was interesting. We polled young and older. Age seemed not to matter. We ended up with a piddling 4 without panties and a whopping 24 with them.

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While in the kitchen, my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom, I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend: That, what did he do for a living? He replied: Well you know, I am a priest.

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On a sunlit Sunday morning Jayne called Jack over to her house.  Jack reaches on time but to find Jayne’s beautiful and sexy younger sister lying on the couch all alone in the house. She was unbelievably stunning and sensual. She got up immediately, came towards him and whispered in his ear: Well I am Lara. I am alone. And I knew you were coming. You are Handsome and smart, I have feelings for you and started to remove her blouse. Please, Jack make love to me, just for once.  Jack turned around and walked to the front door towards his car.

Amazingly he found Jayne standing right there in the middle of the door-way. She kissed and hugged him. Jack this was a plan, you have really won my trust. I will ever love you.

Moral: It’s a good practice to keep the condoms in the car and not the wallet…!

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A priest was talking to a group of kids, about being good and going to heaven.

At the end of his talk he asked where do you want to go?

Heaven Heaven Heaven, yelled little Lisa… And what do you have to be to get there, ask the priest.

“Dead” yelled little Johnny…!

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One weekend Joseph is busy shaving beard in the bathroom when the local kid Bunny, whom he always hired to mow his lawn, comes in to urinate.

Joseph is shocked to see his ten inch penis. He can’t help himself ask Bunny what the secret was?

Well says: Bunny, every night before I climb into bed with a girl. I stroke my penis on the bed post three times. It works and sure impresses the girls too.

Joseph was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it out, that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and stroke it, three times on the bed post. His wife half-asleep said: Bunny is that you?

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A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love with his wife. No darling, we can’t do it here, what if the kid wakes up? You are right, let’s go to the beach.

They went to the empty beach and start to make love. All of a sudden, a policeman runs into them. Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public. You are right…said the husband, but it was a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me….

Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time, I caught this lady making love on this beach in the last one week and she will have to pay for it.

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This sex researcher phones one of the participants in his recent survey to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, “In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered ‘twice weekly’. Your wife, on the other hand, answered ‘several times a night’. How is a thing like that possible? 

“Yes – Yes…That’s right,” replies the bloke, “And that’s how it’s going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off.”