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The priest in a small village loved the rooster and ten hens, those he kept in the hen-house behind the church.

One Sunday morning before Mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village so he questioned his parishioners in church during Mass.

He asked the congregation, has anybody got a cock? All the men stood up. No, that wasn’t what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock? All the women stood up.

NO no he said, that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them? Half the women stood up.

No no no he said, that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock? Eight altar boys, two priests, a lady and three young girls stood up…

The priest fainted.

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A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.

The grooms’ best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong? Well replies the man, when we finished making love on the first night, I put $100 bill on the pillow without thinking.

O you shouldn’t worry about that too much, says his friend. I am sure your wife will get over it soon enough, she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.

That’s not the problem the groom says, she returned me $20 change.

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A city girl driving back to town after attending a family funeral ran out of gas. It was getting late so she asked two good looking boys sitting at the gas station for the fill. “Well” said one: “The filling station isn’t open till tomorrow, but I reckon you stay the night here with Me & Bill.”  She accepted, only to be told that there was only one bed, in which both Ray & Bill slept.

Thinking it might be fun, she went ahead… anyway. When they were tucked in just about to jump her bones, she halted proceedings. Pulling out two condoms: she said, “You are nice boys… wouldn’t want me to get pregnant, would you? Here, put these on. In the morning the car got gassed up and the girl leaves…

Around three months later… Ray & Bill were filling a young girl’s car, that’s when Ray said: “Remember that city girl?” “Ah sure I do,” said Bill.“ Do you really care if she gets pregnant?” “No-No,” said Bill”

Well, and then let’s get this rubber like things off of our penises now! “

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Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test came for them to line up nude, in a beautiful garden. Then a stark-naked model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to their penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, but with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the last monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loud and violently that it fell off and clattered to the ground.

Humiliated and embarrassed the monk bent down to pick up the bell… And that is when all the other bells went off with bang.

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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director: Sir, how do you determine whether or not a patient is institutionalised.

Well, said the director: We fill up this bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub.

Oh, I understand now, said the visitor: A normal person would naturally use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

No…No. said the director.  A normal person would pull the plug.

Now… where do you think, you want your bed? How about a bed near the window in the far left corridor? “

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The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room, without getting their clothes dirty. They plan to take all their clothes off, fold them up and lock the door.

So they do this and begin painting the room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask who it is…‘The Blinds man’

The nuns looked at each other, one nun says to the other, he is blind he can’t see. What could it hurt? So they let him in.

The blind man walks in and says: Wow… Hi, beautiful naked girls…! Where do you want me to hang these venetian blinds?

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Ms. Doris Rebbeca who works for Bilfinger Investment Company, decided to have a face lift for her birthday, she spent around $15,000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way back home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving she asked the sales clerk: Dear, I hope you don’t mind, me asking: how old you think, I am? About 34 he replies. I’m actually 47 the woman said.

After that she went into McDonald for lunch and asked the same question at the counter, he replied: Oh you look about 29. I am actually 47 she said feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied: I am 85 years and my eyesight is going but when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell you, your exact age.

There was no one around so the woman said: OK…go ahead and she let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling and fiddling around for a while the old man said OK you are 47.

Stunned the woman said: that was brilliant, how could you do that?

The old man said: I was behind you in queue at McDonalds…

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Dustin and Jane both blonde were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end. The adoption center called and told them, they had a wonderful Russian baby girl and the couple took her without hesitation.

On the way back home from the adoption center they stopped by the local college, so they each could enroll in night classes. After they filled out the form the registration clerk inquired, great, whatever possessed you to study Russian? The couple said proudly: we just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so she will start to talk. We just want to be able to understand her and make her understand too.

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Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. When his Dad came home, Billy said: Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking up in the air.

Why are his legs sticking up in the air… Dad? Father thinking quickly said: son that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven holding his legs.

Few days later when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling: Dad-Dad we almost lost Mom today.

What do you mean? asked Dad.        

Well Dad I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs up in the air screaming: Jesus I am coming, I am coming.

If it hadn’t been for Uncle George holding her down we would have lost her for sure today…

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Little Johnny’s teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year, not to ever make a bet with him, unless she is absolutely sure she would win.

One day in class Johnny raises his hand and says: teacher I’ll bet you $50… I can guess what color your underwear is.

Shut up and sit down. Meet me after the class is over and we’ll settle it. But before the class ends, in between, she goes to the restroom-removes her pink panties and quickly returns back. After class is over and the students clear out…Johnny makes his guess…Pink…!

You know, you got it wrong, she says. Then she lifts her skirt to reveal, she isn’t wearing any underwear at all.

Well… then come on ma’am to my dad’s car. He is waiting for me and I’ll get you the money. She follows him out. When they reach the car, she informs his dad that his son got the bet wrong and she showed Johnny… that she wasn’t wearing one at-all.

His dad exclaims…! Oh…! my God…! So he has won the bet for $100. He told me this morning that somehow he would make his teacher remove her panties…!