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A blonde’s neighborhood caught fire. So she called: 911

The blonde told the operator: Oh my God, please help… my neighbor’s house is on fire.

Operator: Where are you…?

Blonde: At my house…!

Operator: No-no… I mean… I am asking how we get there.

Blonde: Oh you… you hurry up… Ofcourse in a fire truck… you dammit..!

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A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car. “We need to take it to a vet. It is shivering due to cold, what I should do now?” she asks. The husband replies “Put it in between your legs to keep it warm.” “But it stinks!” she exclaims.

“Well… So hold its nose!”

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A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it – you’ll catch on again fast.” Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake… Sir…!

Then strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you… now… come on fast”

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So John… has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?

He wants to be a garbage man the father replied.

Oh… well, That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.

Yeah …! you are right, not really, but he thinks that the garbage man work only on the Tuesdays.

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Little Johnny’s teacher asks: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree but also admitted doing it.

So you guys… Do anyone of you know why his father didn’t punish him?

Little Johnny replies: Yes, because George was the one holding the axe…

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Two 80 year old had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”

And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterwards, the man thinks to himself, “My God, if I knew she was still a virgin, I would have been much gentler with her!”

And the woman was thinking to herself, “My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose!”

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A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose but an evil witch has cast a spell on him and now he can say only one word a year. So he waits 14 years accumulating all his words before approaching his beloved.

Finally the big day arrives, when he sees her… his heart skips a beat. He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees and intones: My darling I have waited many years to say this: will you marry me?

The princess turned around and said: Pardon me please… what did you just say?

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Three women are discussing their teenage daughters:The first declared: I was so shocked last week. I was in my daughter’s room and found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn’t even know that she smoked.

It gets worse than that says the second mother: I was in my daughter’s room last week and I found a bottle of Vodka under her bed. I didn’t even know that she drank.

It gets even worse than that says the third mother: I was in my daughter’s room last week and you would never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet. A packet of condoms, I didn’t even know that she had grown a penis.

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While spending the weekend in her country cottage, a lady phoned her friend and neighbor who was a very pretty girl.

Sweetheart… Would you mind, she asked, putting on a swimming costume and taking a sunbathe stretched out in your garden.

Wow… Not at all. But why do you say so?

I’d like my husband to cut the hedge out there.

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A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags. What’s wrong, he asked.

I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my trip and what did I find when I walked through the door. Her making out with Joe Murphy. I am leaving.
Now calm down, says his father-in-law, there must be a simple explanation I’ll find out what happened.

Moments later he reappears, I told you there was a simple explanation and there is one, he says: Look son, she never got your text.